Jul 17, 2010

"I dont like my wife"

*I'm not an avid fan of Bossip but I came across another article that lead me to this article.
And because it related to how I felt in the past, and even sometimes to present days, I thought to blog it because the response is what alot of people need to know.
"Baby blues" (postpartum depressions) are sometimes more serious than people think and left unnoticed or tended to, they can become even deadly. And it is not exclusively a woman's issue. Men are prone to experience baby blues too.*

Hello Bossip,
I’m a faithful reader of your love and relationships posts and I’ve been debating on whether I should share my issue. My wife and I have been married for four years and we have a son who is almost two. I was born and raised in the South where a lot of women stay at home once they have children; my mother did also. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed with a job that allows such an arrangement. When we dated and the first two years of our marriage she worked and couldn’t wait to resign once we found out she was pregnant. Fast forward two years and you’d think I’m her worst nightmare. She is not the same person I married. She had no patience and is always fussing about things that are trivial in my eyes. She put on 80 pounds during the pregnancy and has lost very little. I want to be supportive so I got us both a gym membership and trainer hours for her, I said I’d go with her whenever she wants me to but she wants plastic surgery. When I get home I ask what I can do to relieve her whether it’s cooking dinner or feeding and giving the baby a bath, she says she just wants me out of the way because I don’t know what I’m doing. If I ask something of her she barks at me for asking. To make things worse she’s put us into so much debt with her reckless spending on expensive handbags, shoes and her wardrobe that’s about 8 sizes larger than she was to begin with. On top of her hair and nail expenses. I’m all for supporting my wife and wouldn’t think twice about doing these things if it were planned properly and we were out from under the hospital bill from having the baby and the other expenses that came along. If it had been budgeted and purchased a little more sporadically, I would have no issue with her buying whatever she wants but we have to work together on these things and she’s not making any effort. I love my wife but I don’t like her at all right in through here. What can I do to fix this mess?

Good afternoon, sir! First, thank you for writing in and sharing your story. As the old saying goes, “misery loves company.” From what you’ve described, it sounds like your wife is miserable and unhappy. First, with herself and second with her circumstances. You have to think, she was a working professional before she had the baby and the last two years of her life have been a far cry from what she’s known. She may have been a little baby bluesy to begin with and now feels shackled to her circumstances being a stay-at-home mom. She spends her days in the house with the baby with little to no adult interaction / conversation on the daily basis. It’s a recipe for depression, then add the excess weight she’s put on . . . hence, the shopping therapy. She might resent the idea she has to wait to buy the things she wants! Stress the budget and that she absolutely must adhere for a while.

Before the baby she had a life outside the house and you. She’s at home most of the time with the child and then you come home. Not only is she outnumbered, she can’t escape either one of you! Do you know how hard it is to find the 15 minutes to brush your teeth and hair with a toddler? It’s not easy. Then add the wifely duties to that, overwhelming to say the least. So, no “don’t ask me for a damn thing.” You see? If you do not already, make a point to take your son with you to the hardware store, to the barber shop or to the car wash, even! When you get home from work, change your clothes and take your lil man to the park for an hour or so. The space alone will give her time to readjust her attitude and if she can look forward to these days, it might change her mood all together!
Here’s another thing you can do. Research the local daycares and see if you can get your lil’ man in there 2-3 days a week, even if it’s just for half a day and drop him off on your way to work. He’ll love being able to play with other children and, ultimately, it’s good for him to get to know how school works. This way she’ll have to space to breathe and do things she needs and wants to do without stressing over what she’s going to do with lil’ bit. Invite her to lunch while he’s in school and remind her what it’s like to date you! Find a sitter and take her out for a night on the town twice a month . . . remind her what it feels like to date you! This may be all the incentive she needs to hit the gym and see the trainer. Once your son gets used to being in school, it might be time for her to return to work. Talk to her and find out what she wants to do with her life. Being a stay-at-home mom isn’t for everybody and it may not be what she wants anymore.
If you have done or try to do all these things and she’s still unhappy, then she’s unhappy about a number of things that may have nothing to do with you, the baby or her motherhood and, in these cases, counseling could help. In the meantime, though, hang in there, man! Hang in there!

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