Jun 27, 2010

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear ... "

And only a week later, its been decided that we give up?

Went to church this morning with Mimi & the message of the day was "its all just a test".
I broke down in church, something I didn't want to do and had me hesitant about going.

jonah 2:1-12
Then Jonah prayed unto the Lord his God out of the fish's belly,
And said, I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the Lord, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, [and] thou heardest my voice.
For thou hadst cast me into the deep, in the midst of the seas; and the floods compassed me about: all thy billows and thy waves passed over me.
Then I said, I am cast out of thy sight; yet I will look again toward thy holy temple.
The waters compassed me about, [even] to the soul: the depth closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head. 
I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars [was] about me for ever: yet hast thou brought up my life from corruption, O Lord my God.
When my soul fainted within me I remembered the Lord: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple.
They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy.
But I will sacrifice unto thee with the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay [that] that I have vowed. Salvation [is] of the Lord. 
And the Lord spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry [land].
(King James Version)

If this is all just a test, I fear I'm going to fail. Either myself, my marriage or God.
Is it a test to bring me closer to God; to make me see that I can and need to call on Him for help because I can't do it on my own? A test of a long since relationship with Him. I pray every day but doesn't that just make me selfish to keep asking of Him and not giving Him the praise every time I get a blessing, no matter how small?
Or is it a test of my marriage's strength? Were the other "little" problems the brewing storm and today is The Test? Do I forsake my vows taken before God and leave because the better became worse?
Is it a test of my strength; to test my ability to look at myself and see where I have gone wrong. I know what I've done and I am working towards bettering myself as a woman, mother, and wife. Will the test of my strength leave me lonely and out of wed lock? I cannot even begin to imagine the rest of my life without him, yet I put on this facade as if leaving is the easiest thing to do. When deep down, I can literally feel my heart being ripped out. I cry. I shout. I yell at the top of my lungs inside and still can't find the strength to tell him that I need him, that without him I am and will be nothing; that I fear his love for me has left because I've made him feel less than. Everyone knows how much we love each other and yet we can't show each other that love.

Today I let go and I'm letting God take hold, to help me either fix it or try to move on. I pray for the latter but I don't want to do it alone. I need my husband to want to with me....

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