Feb 7, 2005

Just Thoughts

I was sitting here thinking about my life and how far or not far I'm come in the 25.5 years I've been here.
Even though I may have almost everything I could ask for (house, food, clothes, a great husband, beautiful healthy kids) I feel so unaccomplished. I have done nothing that I've set out to do. Cosmetology school being the biggest one. Ever since high school graduation, I've set out to get into school...even gone as far as applying, registering, and getting a schedule. But never went to the first day of class.
All my life being the oldest child and only girl in my family, it seems like I've been expected to do and be the best. The pressure seemed to only make me want to quit. Of course, my parents never PUSHED me to do something they didn't think I wanted to do, but my brothers were always compared to what I've done. "well, Shontae graduated high school....Shontae got the best grades...Shontae is so smart...Shontae would NEVER do something like that". So whenever I might have felt like giving up on something, in the back of my head I would always hear everyone's expectations and what they would say if I finally failed at something.
And now that I am a mother, the possibility of failure terrifies me. Now I am an example to my girls,who watch everything I do and learn from what I do, how I act, how I feel. Right now, I feel like I am neglecting my children. With the hours I work (11p to 7am) they don't get as much attention as they used to before. Especially Emani (and that's starting to show...she's acting out in the worst way). When I come home, the kids are up, expecting breakfast, a bath, playtime with mommy. Well, Mommy is worn out. So I'll try to make breakfast, clean them and give them as much of my time as I can before I fall out from sleepiness. Tre goes to work at 11am so somedays I may sleep until he walks out the door. Other days I'll stay awake until he gets off at 8p and sleep until 10p to go to work. Which only makes me even more tired and stressed. So now comes the dilemma: do I quit my job for my children's sake and my health or do I try to find another schedule for the day? Either way, something is sacrificed.
It's really all quite depressing.......

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